Liv and I had Jacob to ourselves this morning while Emma was with her Grammies for a slumber party. It was the perfect time to tell our 8-year old boy about the birds and the bees. One may think that is too early, but Jacob has already had classmates talk to him about internet porn sites. If we chose to ignore this any longer, he would receive all his lessons on love and sex from other 8-year old boys rather than from adult parents grounded in Jesus Christ who have already made mistakes of our own.
That was the easy part, and he was pretty grossed out by it saying, "That just sounds wrong!" We laughed then, of course he had to find out how many times mom and dad have done it. That's where the hard part began.
See, many people don't know this, but Liv was 2 months pregnant when we met in Germany. I am not Jacob's biological father but in my heart he has always been my son. I was there for all his ultrasounds, I named him Nerf while Liv was pregnant, and I got to hold him when he was born. I was even called "Mr. Morales" by the German doctors during Liv's pregnancy, and I got the dirtiest look from the clerk filling out his birth certificate in Germany when we said father "unknown". Jacob's "sperm donor" didn't want to be on the birth certificate, and Liv didn't want him on it either. I wanted to put my own name, but couldn't. I hadn't even proposed to Liv yet. There has never been any doubt in my heart on Jacob being my son.
Liv and I prayed before we started this "birds & bees" talk for the right, loving words to tell Jacob the whole truth about his life.
He knows about his biological dad. He knows that I loved him as a son before he was even born, just as God loves us all before we were even born. He knows that God loves us unconditionally because He chose to not because He has to, and that's the same way I love Jacob. Because I love Liv so much, I am commited to always be with her and love her to be the best husband I can be for her, therefore I will always strive to be the best father I can be for him. He also knows that God is forgiving. Liv and I both didn't save ourselves before marriage and Liv actually got pregnant before we ever met. Where most people would see this as a shameful moment in life, God took this "mistake" and made something beautiful out of it, my marriage with Liv and my son, Jacob. Because of God's love and grace for us, our mistakes can be turned into something bigger and more beautiful.
Our relationship with Jacob just got deeper and stronger because he better understands my love for him.
oh that's very interesting, Jerry. Does that mean that Jacob never knew you weren't his biological father? I'd be interested to hear how he handles this in the future. It's so very different than the way we've handled this issue in our family. I do have to admit, that while I don't homeschool in order to avoid them learning the ways of the world as some of my peers do, I find a nice benefit in that my kids don't know about internet porn! Sounds like y'all are doing amazing things with yourselves!
ReplyDeleteI'm the only father Jacob has ever known. We have known that there would be a day when we had to tell him for one reason or another. We knew we couldn't wait until he was a teen because hormones mixed with a new truth would probably undermine all the trust he ever had in us in a time when he'd need our guidance the most. We couldn't tell him as an adult because he'd already have figured it out by the time he learned about heredity in school. We couldn't tell him sooner because he wouldn't understand. So, this was the right time. He's heard strangers comment his whole life how he just doesn't look like the rest of us, or "where did he get the blond hair and blue eyes?". Our favorite is the look I get from people that just says tell-me-you're-not-that-stupid-to-not-figure-out-what-happened-here. The kids were just getting closer and closer to figuring it out on their own, and we felt we needed to tell him.
ReplyDeleteAs for the birds and bees talk, we needed that to lead into the biological father topic, but if you ask Liv she calls me Michael Brady for a reason. Jacob has probably had more "Leave It To Beaver" and "Brady Bunch" moments than any other kid in America today.
We thought about homeschooling as well, but the scriptures that tell us we are "in this world but not of it" and "raise your child in the way he should go" plus lots of prayer told Liv and I that our children needed to grow up in that kind of environment so we could teach them how our faith fit into their lives.
It takes a lot of vigilance on our part, and we've had to really talk values with our kids when they see others cheating, being mean, clique-ish, etc.
What a heart-felt and heart-warming story! I knew I loved Olivia from the moment I met her. Her sweet spirit transcends through even the craziest of days. I admire you sweet Jerry for being THAT kind of father. I grew up with a dad who was my biological one, but he might as well have been a sperm donor. You are already a father to Jacob like I never had and you did it by CHOICE! That is heart work that only God can do for a person :) I love the way you handled this --- and I think the timing was perfect :)
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